So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
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we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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