Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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