I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
