when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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