I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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