I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
