what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
