The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
