I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
