I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
