Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I will pee on everything he values.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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