If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
