i need an iv and a liver transplant
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
