don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
