if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
