Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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