I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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