OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
