I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
