You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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