I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
