It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
