You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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