She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
