I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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