Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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