Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
