i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
