my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
