Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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