Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Couch. On fire.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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