Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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