i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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