Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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