I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
