My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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