he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
