My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
