So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he thought i was a dude.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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