I wish I only lived at night.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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