i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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