Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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