nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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