What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize