This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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