So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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