So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
