Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
