i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
