Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
