i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
