dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
