So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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