have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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