The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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