i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
