i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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