Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
