Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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